Here's the thing

So, I put my big girl panties on this morning and called my Mother in Law.  I was shaking, literally, and of course my mind went blank the minute she answered the phone.  Thanks social phobia, once again you are a delight.  I did manage to stutter out what my daughter had said, and how hurt I was that she had caused my daughter to lose trust in me.  She apologized, didn’t mean to, blah blah blah.  We had a nice calm conversation and hung up after five minutes.  The problem was, it STUCK.  I went on with my day all the while thinking, what if she’s right?  What if I am crazy?  What if he’s just a spoiled brat and none of the people in the special needs community want to tell me?  What if they’re just humoring me and then talking about me, and him, behind my back?  What if I just go crawl in a hole, curl up in the fetal position, and rock for a while?

Every Wednesday morning is the women’s bible study at my church.  This semester I’ve been going just to get out of the house and out of my thoughts.  I never do the homework or anything, that would just be too much right now.  So, an hour after the phone call I was sitting in group, totally silent.  Trapped in my head.  Which is odd for me because I usually love to talk and give and receive free advice and share the pains and pleasures of life with these women.  Finally somebody asked me what was wrong.  It took a minute to even be able to form the words, but when I did they tumbled out like a tsunami.  They listened.  They set me straight.  Nobody has the right to make me question my abilities as a mother.  Not even my own daughter.  I am a good mother.  I do know what my son needs.  I did not wake up one morning and decide that we would all be happier if we just said that he was “the r-word”.  The journey to figuring out what the heck was wrong with this child has taken two years of careful research, discussions with doctors, and hours of observation of him in all different settings.  What my MIL sees in her house means NOTHING.

I am irreplaceable.  My children will never have another mother.  Even if my husband remarries someday, there will never be another woman who loves them as completely as I do.  Who would jump in front of a train for them.  Who would fight their Grandma, Grandpa, and Father to make sure that they have the resources they need to succeed in this complicated and confusing world.  Today I feel it. Today I know it.  Bring on tomorrow.