I haven't written a new post in quite a while. Life has been rolling along really well, and I've been making do with Facebook statuses. But then there comes a moment when you just have to get the thoughts out of your head and down on paper or you are going to explode.
Katie is eleven years old. When she was three and we were considering a second child, I was firmly against it. I had this precious little angel, and another kid would come in and take half of everything my girl deserved. Half the time, half the resources, half the space would go to the new baby, and Katie would have to take a back seat. I knew in my heart that I couldn't emotionally handle additional kids. That's not easy to admit, but it's truth and so I admit it.
My ex was determined, however, and I backed down, as always. So we had another little girl, and then after much debate and attempts by me to get out of it, a little boy. My son is on the autism spectrum. My younger daughter is gifted, and, at times, a nightmare to deal with. Katie has had to suck it up, help, be quiet, skip playdates, and make thousands of the little sacrifices that come from having two younger siblings.
I will never forget the pain on her face when she asked me if I still loved her daddy and I couldn't say that I did anymore. Every moment of every day since I left her daddy December 26th, 2011 she has let me know that she doesn't want to be in the home I have tried to make for her. She wants to be with him, she wants to live in grandma and grandpa's house like he does because it "Feels like home." She claims they understand her better and that they are easier to talk to. She loves having her own space there, here she shares her room with her sister. I've tried every way I could think of to convince her that I wasn't the bad guy, but since I refused to bad mouth her dad, I didn't have a lot to work with.
Last Thursday it all came to a head. I was dealing with Girl Scout Leader drama (I'll write about that in a separate post), and she starts begging to go to Dad's house. I was so raw and hurt and wrung out, I told her to go and not come back until she actually wanted to be with me. We didn't fight about it, there was no screaming or drama, there was just me saying, "Enough."
She left for the night, and that's when I realized. If I really wanted to wait until she wanted to be here, I was probably going to be waiting for a very long time. What is happening? How can this little girl that I have given my life to be so indifferent about spending time with me? She walked out the door with a smile on her face and a skip in her step. I have to ask again, what is happening? There is nothing in me that can understand this.
I never really thought I'd meet or see or whatever you call this....someone who actually felt more love for their first child than for their other kids. The way you've written this expresses a sincere love for your oldest daughter with a highly lacking affection for your other children. It actually really makes me sick to my stomach, and I truly pray that your other kids dont ever see this or feel your contempt for them, because you're going to find yourself a childless mother if they do. I had a grandmother who played favourites my whole life and I resented her for years into my 20s for it before I finally forgave her. Don't be the mother your kids end up resenting. Maybe your oldest could feel that and wanted to give her brother and sister a chance at some love. I'm not saying this all to be nasty, I just don't want you to end up in a bad way because of your actions and feelings right now.
ReplyDeleteAfter I saw your comment I went back and reread my post. I see what you mean, and I had to go back and make a few changes to reflect how I really feel. I don't feel contempt for them, but I am brutally honest about the difficulty of dealing with both being on the spectrum and being a mom. One of the "flaws" of being an Aspie is extremely rigid, logical thinking. Logically, my oldest would be better off if she was an only child. I would have been better off if I was an only child. Of course I love my little ones, I'm not a monster for heaven's sake. I just call it like it is. They are better off without her too in many ways, but that is a post for another day. Don't you ever sit around and think about what could have been?
DeleteMy little ones resist going to my ex's house just the way my oldest resists coming here. They are secure in my love, but I appreciate you letting me know how I was coming across. Thank you!
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ReplyDeleteI can understand that you were overruled in having more than one child and that can make it harder on you to find that love for more children. My mother was conceived right after her older sibling and then her mother conceived again soon after when she was small and she was shoved off on another family member because her mom just didn't want to deal with her, even though she was not a hard child to handle. She has always hurt deeply from this and felt unloved in a way, and my own mother in law has tended to favour our oldest child over our other children, and I cannot stand it. Just be careful how you "call it like it is" and how you express that around your children, because they may not completely understand and unfortunately, once you express an opinion and they "misunderstand it", you may not be able to get them to understand it fully for a very long time because of the hurt. They may be young still and not fully get it, but trust me, it'll come. Also, kids act out sometimes due to how they feel or how they are treated. So if they can sense ANY type of irritation or lack of affection from you at all, they may make it harder on you and inevitably make feelings of hurt stronger between you all. Chin up, and don't see this as your oldest child deserting you, she's just giving you more time to give to the little ones to help them feel more loved. I know it's hard with autism too, so take this as an opportunity to learn more about your younger ones and what they need. :)
ReplyDeleteI think that readers also have to try to remember this is a few paragraphs written by a mom that is in a lot of pain telling a very deep story. I have been following the story, and know that there is a lot that is not told here. This is a small snaphot of how you feel in this moment, but is far from the whole story. I don't think you favor any of your kids over others. This is just how you feel at this moment, and your feelings are valid. They are never wrong. Don't let anyone make you feel that they are. What counts is what your actions, and I think you made the right decisions. It takes a lot of maturity,love, and selflessness to let your child make her own decision the way you have. You did what a good mother does, which is put her feelings before yours, and let her be happy. There's nothing to be ashamed about that.
ReplyDeleteI just finished writing a long beautiful reply, hit publish,and POOF! Gone. Argghhhh I hate when that happens!
ReplyDeleteI tried to say that I didn't feel you were saying that you loved the younger ones any less than the older, even went back to re-read because I thought maybe I missed something. I did not.
When my oldest was a baby I thought I was pregnant again, and cried. I cried for many of the same reason...that I didn't have enough time with him yet, that he would lose some of my attention. I didn't know how i could love another as much as the one I held. I couldn't image it. Of course, on baby number four now, I love them all just as much. Something I hadn't thought possible at the time.
You hang in there, I can imagine how hard and painful it must be to have your daughter want to be with her Dad, but she is at a funny age now too. Not quite grown, not quite a little one anymore either...its a hard age even without a divorce.
Maybe a little space will actually bring you too closer together in the long run. Lots of thoughts and hugs! Keep your chin up, and as always never be afraid to keep it honest!